Rumors
say that George was born with a silver spoon in his
mouth and/or nose, but those are baseless. In fact,
all utensils were kept away from young Georgie, or Junior,
as he was called, lest he use them to carve his own
eyeballs out. To say that Georgie was slow would not
be inaccurate, but still he persevered, finally and
courageously managing to finish his self-described "favorite
book as a child," Eric Carle’s "The Very
Hungry Caterpillar," upon its publication in 1969
when he was 23 years old.
After a
few years spent among the oil moneyed, whites-only country
club set of Midland, it was back to Connecticut for
schooling at the prestigious Andover Academy. George,
a man’s man even then, had a keen interest in sports,
which he demonstrated by becoming a cheerleader. Even
the news that he would not be allowed to wear a skirt
and falsies was not enough to deter him from showing
his school spirit; he just postponed those urges until
he was old enough to follow his father’s footsteps
into the Skull and Bones club and the Bohemian Grove.
With the war in Vietnam heating up, George realized
it was time to put childish pursuits aside and defend
his country’s borders as part of the Texas Air
National Guard. Seeing "Unca Dick" Nixon sending
troops into Cambodia, George volunteered for dangerous
missions across the border into Mexico, sometimes for
weeks at a time, where a covert operative known as Juanita
in Matamoros would, for only a few extra pesos, call
him "G.I. Joe" or moan "You’re the
king!" Having heard both phrases so many times
that he came to believe them, George’s political
philosophy was formed.
The lure of the family business beckoned, but first,
higher education was called for. The Bush name and fortune
paving the way, George was accepted into Yale, where
he was a C student. Today, George remembers those Yale
days as…well, honestly, he remembers them not at
all.
But that lack of academic prowess didn’t prevent
money and family connections from getting him into the
Harvard MBA program, nor did it prevent money and family
connections from enabling him to complete the program.Returning
again to his "home" state of Texas, which
he had occasionally visited to this point, 
George
decided it was time to make his own fortune. Those old
lessons of friendship paid off for George when friends
of his father’s loaned him more than five million
dollars to enter the oil business. Still, despite the
fact that Texas is an oil-rich state, George failed
to find any and his father’s friends ended up losing
most of their money, while George pocketed his own executive
salary and more. In Texas, George and 
wife
Laura (Mario Andretti) Bush had daughters, in whose
raising George participated by lying to them about his
own "youthful mistakes.
"Having struck out at finding oil even when given
a small fortune with which to do it, George set his
sights higher. His early interest in athletics reaffirmed
itself, and since he was too old to become a cheerleader
again, he persuaded friends of his father to give him
enough money to buy a minority interest in a baseball
team. Then he and his partners persuaded the city of
Arlington, Texas to condemn hundreds of acres of land,
putting citizens out of their homes so the investors
could build a baseball stadium on seventeen of those
acres.
Now
that there was a new stadium, the surrounding acreage
could be sold back to Arlington residents at highly
inflated prices. Part of the whole deal included a loan
of $7.5 million from Arlington, which has never been
paid back. There is every likelihood that George doesn’t
remember it at all, since the same memory problems that
plagued him in college continued into these days.
Baseball made George rich, and, having conquered the
world of high finance and traded away Sammy Sosa, George
was determined to follow his father into public service.
Giving up demon rum and claiming to have found religion
—demonstrating his political philosophy that if
you say something enough times it must be true—George
ran for Governor of the most conservative state in the
union as a Republican, outspending his opponent by vast
amounts, and hinting that she was a lesbian, and won.
He was challenged for his next term by someone no one
has heard of before or since, whom he outspent by vast
amounts, and won again. Barely had he found his office
than he began to run for the Presidency of the United
States, in order to avenge his father’s loss at
the hands of a man who was actually popular with the
people.
During the campaign, the American people found that
George is a man who is scrupulously honest when caught
lying. Speaking into a microphone he didn’t know
was live, he referred to New York Times reporter Adam
Clymer as a "major-league (because jocks talk that
way, he had learned) @--hole." When caught by the
live microphone, he declared himself a plain-spoken
man," failing to point out that a plain-spoken
man might have had the courage to say something to the
reporter instead of behind his back. 
Similarly,
when news of his various drunk-driving arrests came
out, George finally stopped lying about them never having
happened, in favor of having his aide, Karen Hughes,
lying about how he was caught. The official story is
that he was "driving too slowly," but the
truth is that he ran off the road into a hedge.
In spite of this scrupulous honesty, and losing the
popular vote nationwide and receiving thousands fewer
votes than his opponent in the hotly-contested Florida
race, George again learned the value of family friendships
when his father’s friends on the United States
Supreme Court overlooked the fact that two of them had
immediate family members working for George, and voted
to install him in the White House.
Today his schedule is a busy and demanding one. Every
morning at eleven fifty-five (or, as he says, just before
both hands stand up straight like a soldier), Laura
pins a note to his shirt with his name on it and sends
him downstairs, where Secret Service officers lead him
to the Oval Office. Her parting words to him every day
are CYA, which he believes every day means "see
ya," but which "Unca Dick" Cheney regularly
reminds him means "Cover Your Adam." Having
worked until almost three, George retires upstairs to
private quarters or out to play some pool with the boys—friends
of his father, of course, and a few rounds. "Being
the leader of the free world or whatever is, like, thirstigating
work and stuff," George proudly announces.
Jeff Mariott - June 2001
NOTE: Unfortunately, the result is operation Whoop.
. .!
