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The
Weakest Link
- Anne:
Our contestants tonight are Karl Rove, Karen Hughes,
Colin Powel Donald Rumsfeld, VP Dick Cheney, & P
GW Bush. Mr. Bush, you seem to have brought along someone
else.You know she's not allowed to give you any help,
right?
- Bush:
Oh, that's just Katherine Harris. Her lips are
pretty firmically attached to my butt-ocks, she can't
say a word.
- Anne:
Very well. You know the rules, so let's play The
Weakest Link. Our first question is to Dick. Dick
--
- Cheney:
Bank.
- Anne:
Not only is there no money to bank yet, I
haven't asked a single question.
- Cheney:
I
just love that word. Bank.
- Anne:
I see. Here's your question--what is the distance between
the earth and the sun, doubled?
- Cheney:
One hundred and eighty-six million miles.
- Anne:
Correct. Now Don, what is the dictionary definition
of "militaristism?"
- Rumsfeld:
You're such a tease. Militaristism: non-predominance
of the military class or its ideals.
- Anne:
That's correct. Collin, how long is a micron?
- Powell:
That's one thousandth of a millimeter, Anne.
- Anne:
Correct.
- Cheney:
Bank.
- Anne:
It isn't your turn, Dick.
- Dick:
You know this bum ticker of mine. I may not make it
until my next turn.
- Anne:
The next question is for you, George. Of which state
is your brother the Governor? George? George?
- Bush:
Sorry, I thought Ari would answer for me.
- Anne:
Not here.
-
Bush:
My little brother?
- Anne:
The only one who's a Governor, yes.
- Bush:
He's the governor of--I shouldn't call him
my little brother--my brother, Jeb, the great governor
of Texas.
- Anne:
That is incorrect. The answer is Florida.
- Bush:
Florida. The state of the Florida.
- Anne:
Where did you say you were from, George?
- Bush:
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas.
It's pretty close to California. In more ways that Washington,
D.C., is close to California.
- Anne:
Indeed. Moving on. Karl, in kilometers, what is the
total area of Andorra?
- Rove:
Four hundred and sixty-eight square kilometers.
- Anne:
That's correct. Karen, in what year was the United States
Constitution adopted?
- Hughes:
That was--oh, we trashed that good--that was
1789.
- Anne:
Now a question for George-- Bush: Didn't I just have
one? Who makes the rules here? This is my show. You
aren't arguing with me, are you?
- Bush:
Is that the question?
- Anne:
No, the question is this.From where does the
United States import the greatest number of consumer
goods?
- Bush:
More and more of our imports come from oversees.
- Anne:
That is quite astute but not the correct
answer. Try this one. Describe the functions of the
three branches of government?
- Bush:
The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive
branch's job to interpret law.
- Anne:
Also
incorrect--
- Cheney:
Bank.
- Anne:
Shut up, Dick. George,
what does the word "insurance" mean?
- Bush:
Insurance, that's a Washington term.
- Anne:
Pardon me? Washington?
- Bush:
That's Washington. That's the place where you find people
getting ready to jump out of the foxholes before the
first shot is fired.
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The
Weakest Link (continued)
- Anne:
Do
you have any idea what you're talking about?
- Bush:
I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a
lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your
question.
- Anne:
But you know virtually nothing about government, your
own nation's geography, your history--
- Bush:
I think we agree, the past is over.
- Anne:
I think we agree, this round is over, and there's no
question that you, George, are the weakest link. Bye-Bye.
- Cheney:
Whew. Now maybe we can bank some dough. Cash.
Loot. Luchre. Simoleons...
- Narrator:
Was George expecting to be the first one voted
off? Let's find out...
- Bush:
They misunderestimated me.
Jeff
Mariotte, ©4/19/01
Hu's
onFirst
We
have heard that Playwright Jim Sherman wrote the following
after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in
China:
"(We
take you now to the Oval Office.)
George:
Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the
report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it
on me.
Condi: Hu is the new
leader of China.
George: That's what
I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm
telling you.
George:
That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader
of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's
name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader
of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi:
Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya'
asking me for?
Condi:
I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well,
I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's
name.
George: That's who's
name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or
will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir
Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is
in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in
China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi.
I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi:
You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want
Kofi.
George: No. But now
that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then
get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir!
The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you
please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy
at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy
in China.
George: Will you stay
out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out
of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U..N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With
cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi:
Rice, here.
George:
Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.
Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Jim Sherman
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