In
a recent USA Today article entitled "No shades of
gray for Scalia," written by Joan Biskupic,
we read the following story:
 
"Supreme Court
Justice Antonin Scalia was greeting Louisiana State University
law students after a speech a few years ago when one enraptured
student, Todd Benson, came up to him and said, ''I've
named my pet fish after you.' 'Oh, you've named him Nino,'
the justice said, referring to his nickname. 'No,' Benson
said, 'I've named him Justice Scalia.' A professor
who overheard the conversation later asked Benson whether
he had other fish named after justices. 'No,' Benson replied,
'Justice Scalia ate all the others.' ''
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Wishes
GW Bush, Ralph Nader
and Al Gore were captured by horrible terrorists who were
going to mete out punishment to these Americans to show
them! They decided to give them 25 lashes each, but first
each would be given one wish.
Bush
was first, and when asked for his wish he wanted a bottle
of rum to dull his pain. He drank it, got his lashes, and
limped away.
Nader
was next, and when asked for his wish he asked for a pillow
to be tied on his back. The terrorists admired that cleverness
and granted his wish. It helped Nader a great deal.
Last was
Gore, who asked for 2 wishes. They grumbled and then said.."Okay,
okay, you unfairly suffered a lot in the last election,
so we'll give you the 2 wishes. What are they?" Gore
replied,"First I want 50 lashes." The terrorists
raised their eyebrows and wondered why the strange wish.
Then Gore continued, "For my second wish, I first want
Bush tied on my back!" J
Jayakumar, ©7/13/02
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Heaven
Einstein
dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter
tells him, "You look like Einstein,
but you have NO idea
the lengths that some people will go to to sneak into
Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein
ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have
a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk
instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane
mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint
Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!"
he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter
asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use
that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go
ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches
a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist
you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint
Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and
Picasso both managed to prove their identity.
How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered
and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
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"President Bush
has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage
war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval
of the American voters to become president, either."
-- David Letterman
"Democrats were
quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates
a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded
with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'"
-- Craig Kilborn
"We have it. The
smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass
destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading
Iraq. There's just one problem -- it's in North Korea."
-- Jon Stewart
"Many of our soldiers
are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border.
This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can
actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and
what its name is." -- Jon Stewart
"The president
boasted at the top of his press conference that we have
the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq.
You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the
world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want
in your corner are Britain and Spain." -- Bill
Maher
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George W. Bush was
asked how he felt about Roe v. Wade. He said it was the
most important decision George Washington had to make
before crossing the Delaware.
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How
to tell if . . . you might be a redneck voter.
If you still believe that Sadaam had WMD's . . . you
might be a redneck voter.
If you still believe Iraq was responsible for 9/11
. . .. you might be a redneck voter.
If you think terrorists want to reimport drugs from
Canada . . .. you might be a redneck voter.
If you still believe Iraq and al Qaeda were joined
at the hip .. . . you might be a redneck voter.
If a vision of a dope reading "The Pet Goat"
for seven minutes after America was attacked says to
you, "strong leader," . . . you might be a
redneck voter.
If you think gay people getting married is a bigger
threat to the U.S. than terrorism or a wrecked economy
. . . you might be a redneck voter.
If you think tax cuts for billionaires will put money
in your pocket . . . you might be a redneck voter.
If the thought of Clarence Thomas as chief justice
makes you damp with excitement . . . you might be a
redneck voter.
If passing on the bill for this generation's tax cuts
to your grandchildren and great-grandchildren seems
like "good, Christian stewardship," . . .
you might be a redneck voter.
If you think God picked Fredo Bush to be president
. . .. you are absolutely a redneck voter.
If you think hiding out in the Guard during Vietnam
is "honorable service" but that volunteering
to go to Vietnam, getting shot at, and earning medals
for bravery makes you a communist, . . . you might be
a redneck voter.
If you think abortion is wrong, wrong, wrong, but don't
want "your tax dollars" to support homeless
children or health care for pregnant women . . . you
might be a redneck voter.
If you think Jerry Falwell should be lecturing other
people about morality . . . you might be a redneck voter.
If you believe 51-48 = landslide . . . you might be
a redneck voter.
If you think that the war on terror is a valiant, urgent,
and absolutely essential life and death struggle by
the forces of light against the forces of darkness and
that everyone -- other than you -- ought to be prepared
to fight and die in it . . . you might be a redneck
voter.
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An
Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is
so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man
put it in another and have him looking for work in six
weeks."
A German doctor says: "That's nothing, we can take
a lung out of one person put it in another and have
him looking for work in four weeks."
A
Russian doctor says,: "In my country medicine is
so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person
put it in another and have them both looking for work
in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You
guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain
out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half
the country is looking for work."
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While visiting England,
George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks
her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it
is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks
how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking
them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow
me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says,
"Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your
mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony
Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank
you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes,
ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington,
he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign
Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms
to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder
if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of
course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Huh, your
mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think
about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms
leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior
Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for
several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally,
in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department
and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your
mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you
dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms
rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know
the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in
disgust, "Wrong, you moron, it's Tony Blair!"
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